


'cause you keep me afloat

by khrysallis



Series: KaiRis canon one-shot collection [3]
Category: EXO (Band)
Genre: Canon Era, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-04-19
Updated: 2015-04-19
Packaged: 2018-03-24 18:33:43
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,259
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3780103
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/khrysallis/pseuds/khrysallis





	'cause you keep me afloat

He feels numb.  
  
The sensation begins from his heart, spreading towards the angle of his jaw and freezes the smile in place, then down his torso and the ends of his limbs, ending with a flourish at the tips of his fingers. He can’t think. His mind is empty. He can barely breathe.  
  
Is he really hearing this? Is this real?  
  
It must be, because someone – Junmyeon? Baekhyun? Chanyeol? – is pulling him up from his seat with them, and before he knows what he’s doing, Jongin finds himself bowing robotically at his seniors, Super Junior, and at the others who are congratulating them for their win. The winner of the New Asian Artiste Award on the M.net Asian Music Award. Not EXO-K, not EXO-M, but EXO, as twelve. _Them_.  
  
His muscles are stiff, his smile is stiff, his feet are cold despite the shoes and socks covering them, and his hands are trembling behind his back, and Jongin laces his fingers together, gripping tightly to keep them steady as they walk up the stairs, towards the microphone waiting for them. The fans are screaming for them, calling out their names, chanting _EXO, EXO, EXO, EXO!_ but Jongin can’t hear them through the ringing in his ears, still in grave disbelief that they did it. They won.  
  
This award is everything Jongin has ever wanted, has ever dreamed of receiving together with their EXO-M teammates, because _they are one_ , and no one’s supposed to be left behind. He’s a firm believer of that, and he’s happy that their efforts are being recognised as one, not as two halves of one group. He feels the wave of relief washing over him, pulling him down the comforting waters, because everything he’s ever gone through – the pain, blood, sweat, tears, uncertainties, and incessant worries that _maybe he isn’t going to make his debut after all_ , that _what if we’re going to be a flop_ , _what if the company decides that we’re not worth investing in and drops us in a heartbeat_ – in the past five years, it was all worthwhile.  
  
Jongin’s still in a daze when Junmyeon takes over the microphone and recites their customary “We are one! Hello, we are EXO!” greeting. Jongin numbly mouths along the words and takes a bow, glad that the microphone isn’t in front of him because he’s sure to stumble over his words, sure to invite laughter if the audience ever hears it. Hands gripped tightly in front of him now, Jongin desperately pushes his Kai persona to the surface when he feels the tears of relief pricking at the back of his eyes, because _Kai_ is charismatic. _Kai_ is all confidence and playful smirks. _Kai doesn’t, will never, cry_.  
  
His head is kept low, eyes transfixed on the floor as he nods along to Junmyeon’s winning speech, even though none of those words are being processed by his brain. He’s too busy trying to keep Kai afloat and Jongin submerged beneath the surface. He doesn’t even realise that Kris – _Yifan_ – is watching him from behind, struggling to determine whether Jongin’s okay because this isn’t like him at all.  
  
Jongin jumps a little when a warm hand slides around his shoulders, and he turns to the sight of Yifan’s smile, swallowing hard when the tears threaten to spill over again. Yifan says something, but Jongin can’t hear over the screams of the fans, so he leans in and Yifan obligingly repeats.  
  
 _It’s okay to cry_ , Yifan tells him, his broad hand on Jongin’s shoulder squeezing him ever so slightly in encouragement. Jongin presses his lips together, inhaling deeply before he forces a smile and retorts with a playful _I’ll cry when you do_ , because he sees the wetness in Yifan’s eyes too. But they’ve been through this months ago in Beijing, when EXO-M had received their first recognition from China, with Yifan sobbing uncontrollably in public and ended up getting teased for it because _I thought you said real men don’t cry_ , and Jongin had made a solemn promise to himself back then that his tears would be shed in private, not for the world to see if they ever win an award.  
  
The grin playing on Yifan’s lips is too much for Jongin to handle, and he gingerly points towards the other unoccupied microphone stand, telling Yifan that _you should be standing there_ because Yifan’s too close and Jongin’s afraid he’s going to lose control of himself and give Yifan a hug (or a kiss, if his self-restraint decides to betray him). His company and their managers won’t be too pleased with that, because _no, you’re not allowed to disclose your relationship to the public_ , they had told him once, after the little stunt they had pulled in the noraebang during the SM Art Exhibition. Jongin didn’t think anyone would have noticed that.  
  
 _Remember to smile,_ Yifan reminds him again, and Jongin can only nod half-heartedly. His facial muscles are still frozen. He can’t smile because it hurts and it only makes him want to cry even more.  
  
Yifan backs off after that, leaving Jongin to his own devices, and Jongin finds himself swallowing his saliva a lot more than necessary to keep his feelings contained. His back is kept ramrod straight, shoulders squared, showing how proud he is of their win. By now, Jongin has tuned out the world, eyes darting everywhere but never really _seeing_ what’s going on around him, clapping only when he catches a flurry of movements to his right that can only be Chanyeol’s hands. Yifan is still throwing worried glances at him, but Jongin doesn’t realise it at all.  
  
When it is Yifan’s turn to give his speech in Mandarin, Jongin glances over at him, amazed at the way the older boy is carrying himself. There’s not a hint of nervousness in Yifan’s voice as his words project around the venue, loud and crisp and steady and clear, and Jongin wonders just how much practice he’s put into this, put into keeping a calm exterior when he was reduced into a sobbing mess under the same situation, just a couple of months ago.  
  
The edges of his self-control becomes frayed when Jongin recognises, understands the words _wo ai ni men_ pouring out of Yifan’s lips, the foreign syllables tugging at his heartstrings. It’s all Jongin has ever wanted to shout to his – _their_ – fans for the never-ending support they’ve given them. He’s secretly thankful when the lights finally dim around him, and Yifan moves over to give him an encouraging pat on the tummy, because he did it. He managed not to cry on stage.  
  
It’s a completely different matter when they finally head backstage, though. Before Jongin can really properly get behind the curtains, or grasp what’s happening, he feels strong arms wrapping around him and the familiar cologne Yifan’s always wearing invading his senses, and the last of his resolution crumbles.  
  
But he’s glad that Yifan’s here to catch him, to rub soothing circles into his back, gently whispering that _it’s okay to cry, you’ve earned this, you’ve done well_ in Jongin’s ears, and Jongin’s own arms come up to wrap around Yifan’s waist, clinging onto the taller boy as though he’s his only lifeline. It’s not too far from the truth, Jongin thinks, because Yifan has always been there for him when Jongin needs him most, keeping him afloat when Jongin feels like giving up.  
  
 _We made it_ , Jongin croaks through the tears, and he feels Yifan nodding against his hair.  
  
 _Yeah, we made it._


End file.
